Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by self-sabotage? *insert laughing/crying emoji here*

Not sure if you do it? Well…

• Have you ever told yourself things wouldn’t work out with Person X as you’re getting ready for your date?
• Have you ever started a fight or or intentionally hung around the wrong people bc it’s easier to stick to this pattern of disappointment + low expectations?
• What about appearing a certain way so you could intentionally “turn off” that person you’re so into, so you never have to get one inch closer to someone thus potentially increasing the risk of heartbreak?

I get it, nobody wants to fail and most of us are hard on ourselves when we do. However, some people take this sentiment to the next level and sabotage themselves without even realizing it – making it a bit more challenging to find success in other aspects of life beyond dating.

If you’re saying “oops, I think I do this,” trust that you are not alone!!

What is Self-Sabotage?

You’ve probably heard about this as it has been sprinkled all over social media lately. You know, the mindset gurus + the like (@ me!)

Self-sabotage is when you actively doubt yourself and do things to a point where it would hinder your success. There are many reasons why someone might do this, but the most common is that this person is afraid of success – whatever success means for them. They might either be worried about what others will think of them or not feel worthy of success, which is all deeply rooted in our subconscious.

Maybe you’ve experienced a few patterns that keep cycling over and over again throughout your life… and it’s what you’re used to. Or maybe “failing” + experiencing disappointment just seems easier than living life happily. OR maybe happiness + success just don’t seem attainable for you and you feel guilty for feeling that way.

Whatever the reason, self-sabotage can prevent you from reaching your full potential… which is honestly doing yourself and the world a disservice bc can you imagine the outcome without it?!

Sabotaging yourself without realizing it can come in many different forms. This post will explore two of the more common forms of self-sabotage. Let’s see if any of these resonates with you.

Two Ways People Self-Sabotage

Active Self-Sabotage

Active self-sabotage is when you deliberately do things to hinder your success. For example, you might procrastinate on important tasks or make decisions knowing it isn’t exactly the “wisest” but it’s something you’d know would lead you to the undesired outcome. You might also sabotage your relationships or make choices knowing they aren’t exactly the best choice.

On a personal note, I used to KNOWINGLY go on dates w/ people who were up to no good. OMG, I cringe every time I think of it, but since I’m on a path to self-forgiveness and acceptance (LOL), I know it was a decision that Mini Me felt was what I needed in that moment.

Failed connections with others helped me mask the inner work I had to do. It felt easier to blame my sadness/frustration on dating apps than at looking at my TRUEST reflection to see what I needed to let go of.

(Wow, did I just get deep?)

Passive Self-Sabotage

Passive self-sabotage is basically passive aggression to yourself or when you allow your negative thoughts and emotions to control your behavior. It’s when you’re not taking ANY step to mobilize towards those goals and might have a fear of failure that prevents you from taking risks (ie. “why bother?” mindset)

You might also have low self-esteem, which makes you doubt your abilities… and ooffff, it is TIME to kick those limiting beliefs to the curb!!

Both types of self-sabotage, active and passive, can be detrimental to your success, but active self-sabotage is usually more impactful and common.

Two Major Ways the Modern Day Woman Self-Sabotages

Most self-sabotage comes from our programming. We’ve learned to self-sabotage from our family, friends, and society. It’s so ingrained in us that we do it without even realizing it. And I get it – it’s so damn hard to unlearn when it has been institutionalized – as a woman AND as a woman of color! What better way to prove society right!

Before I dive in, I want to acknowledge the role systems have on our mindset. When growing up with a certain lens, it can be difficult to unlearn especially when there are external factors that cannot be controlled. My role as a mindset coach touches upon things that we have a say in, so while I will forever preach the importance of reshaping our brains and the way we think, I am not blind to the injustices that have hindered our minds… but I hope you are open to giving yourself this gift of unlearning.

Now, let’s chat about two of the most common self-sabotaging patterns in modern-day women: perfectionism and self-judgment.

1. Perfectionism

Perfectionism is the belief that we have to be perfect to be successful… or we have to show up perfectly in spaces every single time. This leads to procrastination because we are afraid of making the wrong move. It also leads to self-doubt and anxiety bc we constantly compare ourselves to an impossible standard… and the worst? Leading to action paralysis and staying stuck right where you are bc you’re so caught up in making things perfect that you don’t actually take action. Sound familiar?

*raises hands*

To overcome perfectionism, you have to learn to value every phase of YOU – even the things you call “imperfections.” Like how amazing is it that we are ALL unique in our ways? And I know it’s cliche but wow, we all have so much to offer and honor. I think it’s freaking WILD that every single bit of us makes up who we are. So beautiful, isn’t it?

Acknowledge that detours are a part of life and that they’re actually the best way to learn and grow. Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself permission to not always have a “perfect” outcome.

Life is full of ebbs and flows, and that makes for a tragically beautiful journey.

I mean, how boring would it also be if we never had to learn anything? Would we ever learn good from bad if only one existed?

2. Self-Judgment

When we judge ourselves, we become our own worst enemy. We sometimes tend to criticize ourselves for our “failures” instead of forgiving ourselves and moving on. This leads to guilt and resentment, which subsequently sabotage our happiness and peace of mind.

I know, I know. WTF does it mean to forgive ourselves?

Well first, can we all acknowledge that there is no such thing as failure, only feedback?

To overcome self-judgment, you need to learn to accept yourself for who you are. Like the moon, we all have our phases. Accept them all. Embrace any “flaws” and practice the art of forgiving yourself. I personally am still working on this, but I’ve already seen a huge shift just by allowing myself to begin the process. Practice self-compassion instead of self-judgment, and you’ll find that it’s much easier to move on, let go, and surrender in trusting that you will succeed.

Self-Sabotage is Unconscious

Most self-sabotage is actually unconscious, meaning that we don’t it on purpose. I mean, we don’t sit around and think to ourselves, “How can I make sure I fail?” Am I right? It’s usually more subtle than that. Our brain is wired to protect us from pain, and so it comes up with all sorts of creative ways, like self-sabotage, to keep us from experiencing it.

So when we self-sabotage, we’re usually trying to protect ourselves from something. We might be afraid of failure or of not feeling like we’re good enough. We might be afraid of success or change. Or we might be trying to hang on to the familiar, even if it’s not working for us.

Whatever the reason, self-sabotage is a way to stay safe… and our brains love to keep us there for comfort.

How to Overcome Self-Sabotage

The best way to overcome self-sabotage is to become aware of it.

If you’re able to recognize when you’re self-sabotaging, you can start to change your behavior and disrupt some patterns… and we love a GOOD pattern disruption!!

Additionally, it’s important to be mindful of your thoughts and feelings. If you notice self-doubt creeping in or feel like you’re not good enough, don’t ignore those thoughts. Address them head-on, acknowledge “I am having this thought…” and then try to reframe the way you think about yourself.

If you want to dive real deep, don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you’re struggling to overcome this, there are plenty of coaches who can help you, and the good news is because self-sabotage is unconscious, it is POSSIBLE to override it once we know what’s going on. Can I get another WOOT WOOT??!!

Through Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) coaching, your aligned coach can help YOU uncover these unconscious self-sabotaging behaviors, assess some pattern cycles in your life, and release them so you can move forward and get to where you want to go – all while loving + enjoying your journey!

Why NLP Coaching and How It Can Help You Get Rid of Self Sabotage

NLP coaching can help you uncover and address some deeply rooting subconscious thoughts holding you back. As an NLP coach, I will work w/ you, so YOU can identify the thoughts and feelings that contribute to self-sabotage and other limiting behaviors. Working together with a coach empowers you to assess different areas of your life, reframe the way you think about yourself, and take POWERFUL personalized action based on your lived experiences + root causes!

You’ll learn to accept yourself for who you are, embrace every part and phase of you, and begin treating yourself with love and compassion. You’ll also learn how to be more mindful of your thoughts and feelings, so you can catch self-doubt and self-judgment before they take over. And that’s the power of NLP!

If you struggle with self-sabotage, recognize that you’re not alone and it isn’t your fault. With a little bit of self-awareness and some help from powerful subconscious coaching and techniques, you can overcome these self-sabotaging patterns and find success in all areas of your life. Shoutout to our brains for their neuroplasticity, so we can easily rewire them if we give ourselves the opportunity to do so.

If you’d like to learn more about self-sabotage, NLP coaching, or if you simply feel called to, let’s get in touch on a SOULFUL clarity call. I’d be more than happy to hear from you and learn how I can be of service to you, so you can live more in clarity and with purpose.

With love always,

More like this:

• 5 Morning Habits to Start Your Day
• 5 Tips on Setting Boundaries + Why It’s Important
• Learning, Living, and Letting Go

Photos by: Alena Shekhovtsova (brand:BAEXBlr1hUY)